How Do Ya Feel Tonight...?

I lay silently on my bed. It was a cold night, and I was cuddling up to my pillow, trying to catch some sleep. However, I just could not. The adrenaline was still pumping through my body. The day had been a long one, and normally I would have fallen asleep, as soon as I slept on my bed, and dreamed about the craziest things in the world. But this night, was no ordinary night. Let's back up and review the seventeen hours prior to this moment.

It was all normal. I got up in the morning, normal train, normal journey, normal classes (which means boring), normal studies ( Hmmm, no comments! : P ), normal college (which means boring again) and normal day. The special 'highlights' of the day would only be- hectic, tiring, not- happy- not- sad. Contrary to my tiring and hectic day, I was not getting sleep at all.

I got up quietly and stared at my watch. It was 11.33 PM. And suddenly out of nowhere, I became impulsive. I put on my sweater, took my wallet, got my iPod, got the leftover Coke and quietly left my house. Now I was taking a big risk, as my dad who wasn't a very sound sleeper, could get up in the middle of the night and, well, not find me there. I had also left my cellphone in my house. I never realized all this for quite a long time.

In the mean time, I tiptoed down the staircase, just to find my watchman sound asleep. Someone was having a productive time! I opened the building gate slowly and carefully, which was not helping as the gate made loud creaking noises. Or was it that I was too aware of the gate noise, which made it sound louder? Not offering it a second thought I set off towards the left.

Now when I had 'left' my house, I wasn't as impulsive as you think I was. I had decided a destination in my mind when I took that risk. What was this destination? It was a lake. I had first discovered it when I was eleven. At that time, the road near the lake was quite lonely, but rapid urbanization had not left anything 'non- urbanized'. Anyway the lake was seen by me as a perfect destination to go when I was sad, as it was the perfect setting for a peaceful time. It was quiet, lonely and beautiful. But I wasn't sad and  I had never imagined that I would go there at almost twelve in the morning.

As I walked towards the lake, I folded my arms and made vain attempts to warm myself. I looked up, to see the moonless sky glittering with stars. The sky was quite clear, and the stars were extremely bright. It seemed like the perfect setting.

I had reached the lane which led to the lake. As I walked into the lane, I realized that I hadn't taken into account the fact that the lake would be lonely, scary and a little too-quiet for my liking. Refusing to be taken in by the fear, I put the earphones in my ears, switched on my iPod and began to listen to Bob Dylan songs, singing loudly, just for my satisfaction.

I found a suitable spot near the bank of the lake and settled there. I finished my coke, quietly looking at the still waters, that were often disturbed my ripples formed by the swimming fish. I switched off the iPod, to enjoy the very rare and rather eerie silence. The funny thing about silence, is that it sets into motion the wheels of your brain. The question which had troubled me for the past half hour came to my mind again.  Why was I so excited? Why did I do something that I would never do in my lifetime? Why exactly was I so happy even after such a normal day? I searched and searched, for almost an eternity and gave up. I put my earphones back in my ears and started the Bryan Adams Playlist. And just like magic, I found my answers in the song.

I Feel So High,
No One Else Would Know It,
I Don't Know Why,
I Feel The Way I do.
I Can't Let Go,
And I'm Not Scared To Show It,
Cause Being Here, Feels Right!
So Tell Me How Do You Feel Tonight?

It wasn't the answer I was looking for, but a lesson I could learn. Why the hell do I need a reason to be happy? Can't I just Shut The F*** Up and be happy? Why do you need a reason for everything anyway? If something is making you feel good, don't run behind the cause, because you'll end up ruining the whole experience. I don't know if its there in you, but I have the habit of trying to figure out everything ( if you don't believe me, read the previous post : P ). So I decided then and there, that I would not question anything that would make me happy and make me feel good.

Almost as if feeling that the mission was accomplished, I got up, dusted myself and made my journey back home. I was no longer afraid of the dark ( that's just a lie... ). As I reached the building gate, I glanced at my watch. It was one in the morning. I made my way to the wing, climbed up the staircase past the watchman ( who was still sleeping!) and reached my door. I dug my hands into the pocket and just uttered two words : Oh F***!

I had forgotten my house keys!

God Of All Things...

I've been meaning to write this post for a long long time now, about four months ago. However, I did not post it. Maybe, because of my views not being socially accepted. After all, its God right? The most sensitive topic you can ever touch. Its sure to ruffle one or two feathers, outrage somebody and, in extreme case, propel somebody to come to my house and burn it down ( : P ) However, I won't be writing anything very controversial, because my views about God are not controversial at all.

My early memories of my experiences with god are pretty limited. They consist of me going to the temple, praying with utmost honesty, always praying for my family first and me later, always God fearing and never ever questioning the very idea or concept of God. Slowly, as I grew into a teenager ( ninth standard to be precise), my views about God begun to take shape. I rarely visited temples now, I hardly prayed ( but when I did, I put my family first at that time too ) and  I started to challenge the very idea and concept of God. I became less God fearing, and began to question everything that God had ' asked us to do'. I searched for answers to my questions, but I got none. My belief in God deteriorated even further.

So what led to all this? What were the things that got me to an absurd (some might say), socially unacceptable             conviction ? Frankly speaking, I find it hard to recollect now why I actually made up such a conviction. However, as I think about it I can figure out, not-so-clearly, why I made up that conviction. ( I will not say whether the conviction was entirely wrong, but I do agree ( with all humility) that I was partially wrong )

During my teen years, I came across a concept called " The Law Of Attraction ". Now I won't explain the concept, because it will take me at least ten posts to explain that theory. In a nut shell, it was a  theory that enabled me to obtain anything I wanted. I tried out  the theory, and it worked out magnificently for me. Now, to be completely honest, many of us, while praying to God, only ASK for what they want. Now, a teenager wants a lot of things in life, and praying for those things was one of the ways in which one thinks they can get them. Through The Law Of Attraction, I got many of the things that I wanted, which obviously made me happy. The fact that whatever I asked from God, I almost never got, coupled with The Law Of Attraction giving me almost everything that I wanted, my inclination towards God started declining. ( For your information, the Law Of Attraction, in no way suggests anything about existence or belief in God. It was just a misinterpretation on my part)

In my defense, I was just a fifteen year old at that time, and my views were entirely wrong, and now two years on, I do not feel the same anymore about God.

My father would often laugh about my views and would just remark one thing -  " Your views will change as you mature." And they did. In that year itself, my views about God changed. I stopped becoming an atheist, but I did not become a follower. I was, and am still somewhere in the middle. The place where you know about the existence of God, but also the place where your aware and appalled how the name of God is being misused by humans.

For me, God is divine. The only presence of God that can be felt on Earth, is maybe through the teachings of God, which are 'conveyed' through  religion. I put 'conveyed' in inverted commas, because of the fact that they are not! It appalls me, the way in which people misuse the name of God for their own purposes. If you trace back to any mythology and read it properly, God never ever made his own religion. It was the people who followed the Gods that made religions. How can something made by mortals (religion), that is never ever propagated  by God himself, be the way to reach God? If you actually look at what all you do, which is in accordance to Religion, you will see that it doesn't have any connection to God at all.

How do animal sacrifices have any connection to God? How does, donating money to priests or pandits, have anything to do with God? Isn't money a worldly thing, and doesn't giving money to GOD, mean disrespect to God? How does having to go the temple or church have anything to do with God? Can't you pray at home? Isn't God in your heart?

Am not targeting any religion here, am just pointing out that ALL religions are flawed and manipulated to suit the needs of a few. I do not say everything that religion propagates is false. I have the utmost respect for all the Holy Scriptures, and I believe only they should be followed.

I am just against the idea of Religion. I mean, look what religion has done to the world? The Crusades, Hindu- Muslim tension and so much more. God never wanted his name, to be the reason of terror, fights and war. That is what we, as humans, have done to the Holy Institution of God. And that is the reason why I do not believe in religion. For me, its just causing more problems than it is solving. Having said that, I also believe in the Holy Scriptures, as those are the words of God, which cannot be changed or manipulated.

P.S- My views will not be accepted by many. Maybe my views will change with time, as I mature. However, this is what I feel at this moment in life. And it is something that hurts me, which is the reason why I posted it.

Random Thoughts 2 ....

WARNING : I REALLY DON'T  KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO WRITE ABOUT. SO EXPECT SOME RANDOM STUFF AND NO LINKAGES BETWEEN PARAGRAPHS!



I have been meaning to write for a long long time now. However, nothing substantial ever came to mind. And if anything ever did come, it was not something I could elaborate upon. And then something happened-

I hastened my steps. I was five minutes behind schedule. And considering the predicament of my friend, I knew how long those five minutes would eventually seem to be, in his head. I hurried across the eighth platform, trying to avoid the evening rush, which I was unsuccessful in. I reached McDonald's ten minutes late ( Thanks to the sickening evening rush) and found my friend impatiently waiting for me. We exchanged a few pleasantries and seated ourselves in one of the booths. Now, it was almost seven to eight months since we five friends had met together, so there was a lot of catching up to do. Slowly, in the next half hour or so, all of the five friends had come.

It was fun meeting them after such a long time. I mean, we were used to meeting everyday in school, but since college had begun, we had only managed to meet twice (the five of us together) in almost an year. So it was a happy reunion. Actually a happy reunion, with sad stories.

As we sat for the next three hours, stories, or rather, problems, unfolded one by one. Some problems had no solution, some did not need a solution (the solution being obvious) and some were just plain frustrating. In short, the whole time we discussed how f***** ( I know, family website, but can't help it. Its needed for the emotion   : P )our lives were. There was no one in my friends who had a perfect life, or anywhere even near perfect. And mind you, my friends are not the ones who would get in trouble. One of them is a topper, one is the nicest guy I know, and the other two are as good as anyone in the world. Still, everyone of us had managed to screw things up.

Things were not like this is school though. The only problem we had was deciding which girl to go after ( : P ).  Studies was not a problem, as it was a duty and not a choice. We all had perfect lives in the last year of school.

What changed suddenly? We just progressed a year, like we used to in school. So how did the problems mount up? What changed between school and college? Many of the problems we face are related to studies, but there are also some which just go beyond our reach.

These are just questions. Questions which come to mind, when things around are dark. When you have a  'pushing- the- wall' feeling ( Trying too hard, but nothing happening ( but it doesn't mean that nothing can happen)) Questions which don't need answering, maybe because they have no answers and maybe because, knowing the answers would not help much too. These questions come and go, and I usually don't pay too much attention to these questions. They are just teasers, which appear in the evening and disappear in the morning.

As I sometimes come back to mu house during rush hours, I notice a weird trend. Whenever, the train comes to the platform, even before the train stops, people start jumping and running to take their seats in the train. It just makes me wonder how stressful is the life of people and how they are always in a hurry. At that time, our problems seem infinitesimal. Maybe that's how the cycle of life is. See, this is how your thoughts make you crazy!

Something that really helps in overcoming stress and this kind of mini-depression is FOOT-BOARDING ( for the train illiterate- its the act of standing on the door, which is illegal ( they say act, but its actually an ART ) ). The wind rushing through your hair, with music in your ears, the warm yet comforting sun, glowing with all its splendor ; the experience is exhilarating. Even  the dirty, black water of the big nala's seem so beautiful, when you look below and find them slipping under your foot.  Sometimes, it just reminds you of the many things in this world, that are just so beautiful.

We only need to open our eyes, and the world again turns into a beautiful and amazing place to live in..!

P.S- Don't try foot-boarding please. Leave it to the pro's (me : D )

P.P.S - This was really random right?

P.P.P.S - I completed one year in blogging : D : D